Crucifying The Resurrection

This week I was in conversation, I use the term loosely, with a fundie. No, not a fundie, one of those who have bought into the myth "hook, line, sinker and copy of angling times". Anyway this er, religious, person laid out for me one of the Christian 'proofs'. It was not, as one might expect, an answer to a question but, as usual, a seemingly unanswerable question in place of an answer; as seems the way of those who wish to believe.
The point the religious person was trying to make ran something like this; I'm paraphrasing:

"Jebus was obviously a magic god or what-have-you,
coz how could a 3 days dead human move the tombstone?"
So, as it does, the probability engine between my ears started its infernal whirring and this time it had a look at the the crucifixion and resurrection through the eyes of Jonathon Creek. (No, not really, it's just an analogy. :)
I'm not going to repeat the fable, there are bible references at the end if you need a recap.
As it turns out, the Jonathon Creek view of the Zombie Jebus fable looks way different...

1. It was common for people to give the crucified, poison; to speed their death. It is said Jebus refused.
2a. Assume for a moment that the Roman soldier who stabbed Jebus didn't want him to suffer and, knowing he'd refuse poison, stabbed him as an act of mercy to speed death.
2b. Even also muse on the likelihood that Roman soldiers, being only human and not actual monsters, might have regularly done this.
3. Consider that Jebus was reclaimed by his kin but only seemed dead to the Romans who wanted to go home for dinner.
4. Suppose that secreted inside the tomb, there were medical supplies, food and water.
5. Speculate that Jebus came round as the stone rolled closed, collected the medical supplies and sowed up his wounds.
6. Suggest that he ate and slept and regained enough strength to roll the stone back or was helped so to do.
7. It's fair to conclude that none ever spoke of it, so as to protect Jebus and he went on to be a...?

This forms a list of conditions and actions, none of which are individually impossible. Yeah, we can put the weak point that there's no evidence to support these conjectures but as we're talking about a tale of which we have only bullet points, one could easily counter with 'there's insufficient evidence to rule them out' and, for me, almost any chain of implausible but rational causalities¹ trumps one 'impossible' event or, as that adage is more commonly repeated...

When you eliminate the impossible(resurrection)
whatever remains,(1-7) must be the truth.

The resurrection fable is only 'astonishing' if you accept the chain of events laid out in the Bible but examine an alternative chain, using exactly the same bullet point details as are told in the tale, as I have above, and it looks completely achievable.
So why the hell is it still allowed to be taught as if it is the full facts of the matter?

This is one of the Too Many Questions

PEACE
Crispy

¹ Magic And Mumbo Jumbo Test
Thanks to "Red Dwarf" for the "copy of angling times" quote.
And to Jonathon Creek and Sherlock Holmes for collaborating in this post.

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Relevant references for the mentioned myth
Matthew 27:27 - 28:20
Mark 15:21 - 16:8
Luke 23:26 - 24:12
John 19:16 - 20:18

Not Tempting Jesus Again

I’ve been looking at Jesus' great “temptations in the wilderness” scene and there's a whole stack of problems with this bag of biblical shenanigans...

The First Temptation of Christ
So at the end of 40 days starving in the desert, the devil pops up to ask his question....

"If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread."
Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"

So Jesus, to all intents and purposes answered 'Meh!' Theologians are unaware as to whether Jesus offered the customary ‘two fingered salute’ but I reckon it’s highly likely.
And Satan did what? Punished him?
Took him to Hell for half an hour of toe toasting to show him who's 'boss'?
No, you've guessed it, Satan's brilliant interrogation technique included absolutely no threat whatsoever for the wrong answer or no answer at all!

No matter how delirious because of thirst and hunger Jesus was at the end of his 40 days, by the end of the first ‘temptation’, Jesus is going to be feeling pretty cocky about his chances of defeating this halfwit Devil.
“No punishment? This dude’s a pussycat!” would have likely rolled across Jesus brain pan.(Only he was Jewish, so he'd not have thought it in English, of course. Hebrew/Aramaic disputed.))

The Second Temptation of Christ

Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple.
"If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: "'He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'"
Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'"

Again here, notice the distinct absence of "Or I’ll X, Y or Z you!" from Old Nick!
No slapping of legs with a wet tea-towel! No light flagellation with a BDSM paddle!
Satan’s punishment for the big beardy’s best boy?
“Right then this’ll do you, I’ll ask another question”!! Even if he followed it with his best and most theatrical “Muahahaha”, any sane human would sarcastically comment on his method “Oh yeah; that’ll terrify the son of a god!”
So, so far the big bad red one, ‘lord of all evil’ and ‘prince of darkness’ is looking a lot like ‘Lolly limp, the ineffectual!

The Third Temptation of Christ

Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendour. "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."
Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'"
Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

It’s well documented, across many free-thinking blogs, that to see ‘all the kingdoms of the earth’ from a single ‘high mountain’ is only possible if the Earth is flat and that this is biblical proof that the biblical authors thought the world was flat but, as this post is focusing on the temptations, I’m not even going to mention that. :)

So, for Jesus, who many think is god, being offered all the kingdoms of the Earth is an easily rejected temptation. It's like trying to bribe the “Mr. Kipling” to give up his cake manufacturing empire by offering him half a scone!
For a man who 'knows' he's a god or, at least, son of a god, it’s no temptation at all really.
If Jesus applied any thought at all to the offer, (it’s pretty much a no-brainer and only sounds like ‘a lot’ to us ‘mere’ mortals) his thoughts would have rolled something like this…
"Hmmm; accept the devil's kind offer of 'the Earth' or stick it out and get back to being heir to the entire universe and everything in it?” (Including Satan and his actions btw) “Oh I don't know, let me see, that's a tough one! Errrr, No. But thanks all the same!”but once again with the not English.

And again with the 'no threat whatsoever' for Jesus’ non-co-operation!
No suggestion of Water-boarding! No fingernail splints! No Rack! No Iron lady!
Not once in the whole poorly constructed scene does Satan even hint that he might beat the living snot out of Loinclothman, and not once does it cross Satan’s tiny goat mind to abduct junior and hold him to ransom for half of the universe!
And remember, we are talking about the most evil and unscrupulous being ever to exist - yes even worse than ..............(Insert your most hated political figure here).
Not once!
All through this entire scene Satan acts like Ned Flanders' freaky beatnik father from the Simpsons episode “Hurricane Neddy”!
"We’ve tried nothin’ and we’re all out of ideas."!

So the ‘Great Temptations of Christ’, Jesus ‘glorious’ victory over naughty-naughty Satan’s extremely well thought out and highly tempting offers (that was sarcastic btw), Jesus’ 'sticking it out' through his most formidable challenge and hardship (more sarcasm), a mainstay of the bedrock of Christianity, is not impressive in any way! Satan in this scene is shown to be completely powerless and not scary at all; even a child could have come through it, not only unscathed but also, possibly, laughing at Old Nick’s impotency! And a child from an inner city school may even have kicked that bad boy all around the joint just for being so weak!
A five year old would be more traumatised by schoolyard bullying!

This story clearly relies on 'our' fear of Satan’s ‘great powers of evilness’ but Satan has displayed none; an evil being would have been torturing Jesus just for the fun of it, let alone to extricate the answer to a question which is, after Jesus baptism, for everyone, including the famous hippy and bad-boy McPointy, what we today like to refer to as common knowledge!!
The answer for which Satan is ^(not) torturing Jesus is already known!

After reading this scene in Matthew 4:1-11, from where all quotes are taken, how can anybody consider Satan or his domain dangerous?
Wouldn’t an eternity of this kind of torture be no more of a threat than a picnic where it was a bit rainy?

This is one of the Too Many Questions

PEACE
Crispy

Please leave a comment - Anything will do
The best communications are often,
THREE WORDS OR LESS
OR ONE OR MORE FINGERS!