The First Temptation of Christ
So at the end of 40 days starving in the desert, the devil pops up to ask his question....
"If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread."So Jesus, to all intents and purposes answered 'Meh!' Theologians are unaware as to whether Jesus offered the customary ‘two fingered salute’ but I reckon it’s highly likely.
Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"
And Satan did what? Punished him?
Took him to Hell for half an hour of toe toasting to show him who's 'boss'?
No, you've guessed it, Satan's brilliant interrogation technique included absolutely no threat whatsoever for the wrong answer or no answer at all!
No matter how delirious because of thirst and hunger Jesus was at the end of his 40 days, by the end of the first ‘temptation’, Jesus is going to be feeling pretty cocky about his chances of defeating this halfwit Devil.
“No punishment? This dude’s a pussycat!” would have likely rolled across Jesus brain pan.
The Second Temptation of Christ
Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple.
"If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: "'He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'"
Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'"
Again here, notice the distinct absence of "Or I’ll X, Y or Z you!" from Old Nick!
No slapping of legs with a wet tea-towel! No light flagellation with a BDSM paddle!
Satan’s punishment for the big beardy’s best boy?
“Right then this’ll do you, I’ll ask another question”!! Even if he followed it with his best and most theatrical “Muahahaha”, any sane human would sarcastically comment on his method “Oh yeah; that’ll terrify the son of a god!”
So, so far the big bad red one, ‘lord of all evil’ and ‘prince of darkness’ is looking a lot like ‘Lolly limp, the ineffectual!
The Third Temptation of Christ
Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendour. "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."
Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'"
Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.
It’s well documented, across many free-thinking blogs, that to see ‘all the kingdoms of the earth’ from a single ‘high mountain’ is only possible if the Earth is flat and that this is biblical proof that the biblical authors thought the world was flat but, as this post is focusing on the temptations, I’m not even going to mention that. :)
So, for Jesus, who many think is god, being offered all the kingdoms of the Earth is an easily rejected temptation. It's like trying to bribe the “Mr. Kipling” to give up his cake manufacturing empire by offering him half a scone!
For a man who 'knows' he's a god or, at least, son of a god, it’s no temptation at all really.
If Jesus applied any thought at all to the offer, (it’s pretty much a no-brainer and only sounds like ‘a lot’ to us ‘mere’ mortals) his thoughts would have rolled something like this…
"Hmmm; accept the devil's kind offer of 'the Earth' or stick it out and get back to being heir to the entire universe and everything in it?” (Including Satan and his actions btw) “Oh I don't know, let me see, that's a tough one! Errrr, No. But thanks all the same!”
And again with the 'no threat whatsoever' for Jesus’ non-co-operation!
No suggestion of Water-boarding! No fingernail splints! No Rack! No Iron lady!
Not once in the whole poorly constructed scene does Satan even hint that he might beat the living snot out of Loinclothman, and not once does it cross Satan’s tiny goat mind to abduct junior and hold him to ransom for half of the universe!
And remember, we are talking about the most evil and unscrupulous being ever to exist - yes even worse than ..............(Insert your most hated political figure here).
Not once!
All through this entire scene Satan acts like Ned Flanders' freaky beatnik father from the Simpsons episode “Hurricane Neddy”!
So the ‘Great Temptations of Christ’, Jesus ‘glorious’ victory over naughty-naughty Satan’s extremely well thought out and highly tempting offers (that was sarcastic btw), Jesus’ 'sticking it out' through his most formidable challenge and hardship (more sarcasm), a mainstay of the bedrock of Christianity, is not impressive in any way! Satan in this scene is shown to be completely powerless and not scary at all; even a child could have come through it, not only unscathed but also, possibly, laughing at Old Nick’s impotency! And a child from an inner city school may even have kicked that bad boy all around the joint just for being so weak!
This story clearly relies on 'our' fear of Satan’s ‘great powers of evilness’ but Satan has displayed none; an evil being would have been torturing Jesus just for the fun of it, let alone to extricate the answer to a question which is, after Jesus baptism, for everyone, including the famous hippy and bad-boy McPointy, what we today like to refer to as common knowledge!!
The answer for which Satan is (not) torturing Jesus is already known!
After reading this scene in Matthew 4:1-11, from where all quotes are taken, how can anybody consider Satan or his domain dangerous?
Wouldn’t an eternity of this kind of torture be no more of a threat than a picnic where it was a bit rainy?
PEACE
Crispy
Crispy
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The best communications are often,
THREE WORDS OR LESS
OR ONE OR MORE FINGERS!
The best communications are often,
THREE WORDS OR LESS
OR ONE OR MORE FINGERS!
