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21 days in May
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Britishness Test

Please keep track of all your tip-top answers and we'll tot up your Brit-level at the end, what?
I know it goes without saying but please always endeavour to answer honestly and truthfully; that way we will all be able to see if you are person of suitable character to gain entry to this fabulously civilised, green and pleasant land to which you have been so attracted.

Anyway, on with the test, it's easy, don't worry.

1. Someone insults your god ( or leprechaun, religion, wand, rabbit's foot etc. ) do you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison or otherwise persecute them?
b. Write a stern letter to your MP?
c. Laugh?
d. Ignore them?
e. Not applicable; I have no god(s).

2. When some rough lass or chap bumps into you in the street, do you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison or otherwise persecute them?
b. Raise your voice and make a show of them with "Hey! Do you mind! Watch where you're going!!"?
c. Ignore it?
d. Apologise and forget about it?

3. While camping someone mistakes your wife for a wind-blown toilet tent and begins pegging her down, do you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison or otherwise persecute them?
b. Laugh?
c. Write a strongly worded letter to the camp owner complaining about their ignorant clientèle, to see if you can get your deposit back?
d. Thank them kindly for their vigilance, so as to not cause them unnecessary embarrassment by revealing their mistake?

4. You're in a queue in the bank and some rude yahoo sneaks in ahead of you, do you...
a. Follow their example an behead/stone/whip your way to the front?
b. Say nothing?
c. Raise your voice so that all the queue can hear and say "Well REALLY! How rude!"?
d. Tap them on the shoulder and tell them "There is a proper way to wait for service. Now, if you don't mind; to the rear!"?

5. When a woman asks for the address of the best local genital cutter for her baby girl's 'procedure', do you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison her?
b. Offer to help and ask "Will there be cake?"
c. Displaying utter dismay, assertively voice your disdain, pointing out that she's a bad mother and that genital mutilation is just not the done thing?
d. Calmly explain that such procedures are child abuse, thereby illegal and call the police / alert social services?

6. When your daughter announces she's pregnant by her indigenous boyfriend and you realise you will not be able to choose who she will marry, do you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison her?
b. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison him?
c. Pummel them both until the red-mist clears, uttering, "If they die, they die!"?
d. Remember that, under the law of the land, who she marries is none of your business, accept the young man as your son-in-law (should she wish to marry him), never raise the topic again and look forward to being a grandparent?
e. Remember that you're now trying to think like a Briton and that Britons accept that their children have the right to arrive at the beginning of their adult path with their right to self-determination intact?

7. When it's time for your magic spell ritual and you're in a crowd of people who don't pretend the same way you do, do you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison all the unbelievers as your fable instructs?
b. Drop and do your sycophancy wherever you are, without care or regard to any inconvenience caused to those around you?
c. Take yourself away so that nobody is embarrassed as a result of your magical chanting?
d. Wait and store up your all magic spells, so as to not inconvenience those around you, and squash all the spells into one giant magic session when you're at home?
e. Not applicable; I am free from doctrinal commands.

8. When your daughter, who you've chosen to raise in a modern western democracy, displays modern western democratic values do you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison her (to restore the family's honour)?
b. Lock her in a room (to restore the family's honour)?
c. Pour acid over that the nasty westernised skank (to restore the family honour)?
d. DO nothing. The child is free to choose her own life path and her choice has no bearing on family honour?
e. Recognise that what you know as "family honour" is nothing but an excuse an embarrassed misogynistic father employs to conceal primitive animal brutality, intolerance and patriarchal authoritarian dominance?

9. If you heard the voice of the deity you pretend in instructing you to hurt people, would you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison someone?
b. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison yourself?
c. Have a cup of tea and a lie down then visit your doctor and tell him you've gone a bit la-la?
d. Report to a hospital for psychological evaluation?
e. Not applicable; I have no god(s).

10. When taking a catch in cricket, you alone notice you have one foot just over the boundary rope, do you...
a/b. Lie and claim the catch?
c/d. Tell the umpire it was a six?

11. If you were asked to behead someone, would you...
a. Behead someone.
b. Behead the hell out of anything, People, Barbies, Pandas etc, until someone tells you to stop?
c. Ask if you can use the sword you've been sharpening, since your hormone crammed teens, for such an opportunity?
d. Refuse on the grounds that beheading is barbaric and suggest a nice cup of tea and a chat instead?

12. It is suggested that the rules and laws commanded in anyone's favourite fable, matter less than this countries rules and laws, do you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison someone?
b. Enter into heavily exampled disagreement about it?
c. Agree but, in a spirit of egalitarian tolerance, point out that that doesn't mean your favourite fable's rules and laws a valueless?
d. Agree, wholeheartedly that all should hold the law of the land in higher regard than laws born of fable, so we can all live happily ever after?

13. When you discover your daughter has been raped, do you...
a. Offer to sell the now soiled property into wedlock with the rapist?
b. Stone the rape victim to death for her infidelity?
c. Beat them both to a bloody pulp - "that'll learn 'em"?
d. Call the police?

14. When asked to list 10 pantomime characters, do you...
a. Comedy behead someone with a trick guillotine?
b. Start a diatribe about how your holy book "is way better than any westerner's bawdy, immodest pantomime", to conceal the fact that you just can't list any?
c. Ask what's a pantomime?
d. List them.

If d. Please list in the space provided.

15. When migrating to a new country, whose ways and values you deplore, do you...
a. Behead people for their own good and keep beheading people until the new country bows to the ways and values you have been taught to think are best?
b. Start a TV channel to cater for the ways you like, so you can feel superior to the heathens and infidels you choose to live amongst?
c. Try to explain to everyone you meet why the new country should be more like the country you were so desperate to leave?
d. Accept and embrace the way of life the new country offers, WITHOUT attempting to ritualistically slaughter the goose that lays the golden egg lifestyle that so attracted you and which now sustains, you and yours?

16. In a discussion with a person you have been friends with for a while, you learn that she/he is atheist, do you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison her/him?
b. Shrink back from her/him like they have suddenly sprouted two satanic heads but tell them you'll talk to yourself about them later (Also known as "pray for them").?
c. Say "HELLFIRE'S DAMNATION AWAITS YOUUU!!!" then tell everyone you know what you've learned and that they must "OSTRACISE THE HELLBOUND SATAN SPAWN!!!"?
d. Listen to them, investigate their views and points, and your own beliefs, to see if they're right?
e. Embrace your rational comrade.

17. You order a full English breakfast and when it arrives you remember your favourite fable denies you the pleasure of some items, do you...
a. Behead the waitress for bringing you such an unclean blasphemy?
b. Get in a strop, make a scene and leave in a storm of utterances about "blasphemy" and "infidels" or "heathens"?
c. Politely ask the waitress to remove the offending blasphemies.
d. Eat around the rich dark Bacon with its crispy golden rind, ignore the fat juicy, still sizzling sausages and glistening delights of the spicy black pudding then quietly pay for your meal, providing a healthy tip and leave; satisfied that you have contributed to and maintained the peace and tranquillity of this great civilisation.
e. Not applicable; I am free from doctrinal commands.

18. What is a 99?
a. Slang for a beheading
b. One after 98 and before 100.
c. Doc' Brown's Delorean disappearing into the past.
d. An ice cream cone with a sexy chocolate flake thrust roughly into it.

19. You are walking along your street on a balmy summer evening and see a group of young women, in very little clothing, laughing and chatting as they stroll toward you, do you...
a. Stone them for their immodesty?
c. See them as "sluts 'n' whores" and abuse them, as you disdainfully walk the middle of the pavement, forcing them into the road?
d. Be happy that they are peacefully enjoying themselves, stand aside for them and smile respectfully as they to pass then quietly go about your own business, comforted by the knowledge that, in this society of equality and personal liberty, to commit a,b, or c would be, at the very least, an unthinkable and appalling, utterly unjustified imposition?

20. It's the future, your child has grown to the verge of adulthood and, at dinner one night, she/he announces she/he is atheist, do you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison her/him?
b. Blame her/his mother, storm off and never speak to her/him again?
c. Call her/him all the names you're religion has taught you to use to abuse her/him in this circumstance, drag her/him to a cleric, clergy or witchdoctor, to get her/him "cured" then eventually give up and accept that not only is her/his mind made up but that you should not even be trying to compel faith upon another and choose to still love her/him regardless?
d. Accept that the daughter/son you raised to use her/his intelligence, has brought all her/his faculties to bear on such an important issue, respect her/his decision and continue to be a loving parent?

21. It's the future, your child has grown to the verge of adulthood and, at dinner one night, announces she/he is lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender, do you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip/Imprison her/him?
b. Blame her/his mother, storm off and never speak to your child again?
c. Call her/him all the names your religion has taught you to use to abuse your child in such a circumstance, drag her/him to your cleric/clergy/witchdoctor, to get her/him "cured" then give up, accept that your and your partner's biology combined to create your child and that this biological combination is the cause of her/his sexuality, recognise that what your favourite fable has to say about gender or sexuality is as relevant as Goldilocks' review of bedsprings and choose to still love her/him regardless.
d. Say... "Oh, Petal, your mother and I have known for years. That's biology for ya!" and continue to be a loving parent.

22. You open your front door on your way out to work and little dog is sitting on your doorstep looking a bit bit worse for ware and with no collar, do you...
a. Behead/Stone/Whip it?
b. Shoo away the vile creature, hoping it never darkens your door again?
c. Call the dog warden and tell them there's a stray on your doorstep?
d. Make friends with it, give it a drink, secure it and pin a photo of it to your front door with the instruction "in the back yard"?

23. On a wet and windy all hallows eve, a group of kids turns up at your door, screaming "trick or treat", do you...
a. Behead them all?
b. Tie each child to the tiny kid-sized stakes you prepared for the evening and burn them all for their heinous and evil witchcrafty ways?
c. Shoo away that gang of demon-spawn, with a tirade of religious verses, you've spent a month rehearsing, for this very occasion.
d. Give into the capitalist driven agenda of the evening, ignore the widespread, parentally endorsed transgression of the otherwise illegal and morally abhorrent extortionist behaviour, accept that it's not the kids fault and fill the darling little cherubs' hands with sugary goodies?

24. The forestry commission offers you a weekend job but you must work all day, both Saturday and Sunday, do you...
a. Take the axe they're offering and, for their total ignorance of the laws laid down by the fable you pretend in, behead them with it?
b. Don't take the job but turn up at the site, with others of your brand of pretendsies, with placards and demonstrate against work being done on your 'Holy' day?
c. Decline on the grounds that the deity you pretend in expects you to be in full grovel mode, doing your weekly sycophancy on one of the specified days.
d. Gratefully take the job and enjoy getting paid to be in the great British woodlands for as long as the job lasts.

25. When speaking the names of characters depicted in the fables favoured by many, some feel compelled to utter sycophantic commentary or addenda, if you do this, do you do it...
a. Annoyingly often; every time you say one of the names of one of the people you pretend were connected to your chief wizard, you feel compelled to always utter a sycophancy. One might say you're obsessively compulsive about it. You're sure everyone finds it really fucking annoying and you know it's very offensive to those who are not pretenders in magic but their feelings don't matter because those not of your magic belief are just Hell-bound Satanscum?
b. Only when you are talking with other sycophants of the same magic-pretending ways as you; so you don't display insufficient fawning in front of those who would judge your lack of sycophancy most harshly?
c. Silently in your head?
d. Not at all, never crosses my mind - I'm not a doctrine addict!

26. You decide to make a traditional British dish and settle on baking Rhubarb Crumble, do you.
a. Discover that the recipe is not in your holy book and begin a campaign to eradicate every rhubarb crumble recipe from the country?
b. Find a recipe written by another of your fellow sycophants, so that the ingredients conform to the dietary requirements your favourite fable compels you to follow?
c. Beg a recipe from that old lady who's always baking, follow her recipe exactly?
d. Beg a recipe from that old lady who's always baking, follow her recipe but double the quantities of the crumble mix?
e. Beg a recipe from that old lady who's always baking, follow her recipe but double the quantities of the crumble mix and, when preparing the custard, reduce the milk volume by 15%?

So, as I said at the start, let's check your Brit-level...

Mostly a.
Sadly, you may never have the right stuff to be a Briton. Please apply elsewhere. Your results suggest you are perfectly suited to your previous country's culture.
Mostly b.
Sorry. No Fish 'n' Chips for you - you are still too enthralled with the culture from which you've chosen to escape. Perhaps you should apply to somewhere similar to the place you left.
Mostly c.
The c's are a grey area: You may well be Briton already but you might merely be rational; an excellent chance of becoming a fully fledged Briton.
Mostly d. or e.
I'll put the kettle on, make a nice pot of tea. Oh and we're a couple of dancers short for our Morris troop. If you fancy having a crack at dancing with bells below your knees or pom-poms, we meet in the Robin Hood's Arms, Tues, 7pm. And welcome to the best island society in the history of the world.

If this were an actual test given to actual immigrants I'd add a clause at the end...
"Should you choose to continue to apply for citizenship, the answers you have given here become legally binding, and should you be accepted as citizen, any discrepancies between your answers here and your actions throughout you citizenship will result in immediate legal proceedings and possible deportation."

If some form of indoctrination to which you were subjected has caused you to be offended by what you've read here, so be it; the British thing to do in such a situation is write a letter of complaint to the person who is to blame for your hideously indoctrinated condition.
The reason for the choice of words above is to show that any who are offended by someone else's description of their faith, tradition or culture are insufficiently tolerant to be a Briton, however, if you feel the need to, please feel free to vent to me, I'm all ears. (For those who pretend in magic - not literally "all ears" - I have other body parts too!)

If you did the list of pantomime characters or you want to register your score, "mostly d's" etc, feel free to leave 'em in the comments. :)

While this test would clearly have to be expanded and is somewhat simplistic and humorous, I've tried to pose questions which genuinely highlight the sort of very rational values and behaviour I think most Britons hold high. My point is the nature of a Briton is not found in knowing the birth date of a king. The core of the everyday, workaday Briton is fairness but that single word is a wholly insignificant sound-bite, which cannot do justice to, and insufficiently illustrates, that fairness is at our core; being reasonable is at the root of who we are and at the heart of Briton.

So, finally, to the question...
Shouldn't any such test, test fairness, reasonableness and rationality, in all its most expansive and intricate natures?

This is one of the Too Many Questions
Please leave a comment - Anything will do
The best communications are often,


If you enjoy what you read here
you will also enjoy my novel
21 days in May

Please be aware this blog may be considered Illegal almost anywhere!

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